I didn’t care about anything or anyone else but myself… Someone could talk to me for an hour about doing the right thing, and then poof it was gone. I was set in my own ways. I didn’t love my self. I knew what was right from wrong all along. I got all the chances in the world to make it up. I blew them all. I was scared, lonely, and never believed I could make it all up and I would say I’m sorry and then repeat the same exact mistake within hours, days, months, or even years. I grew up in a big house, nice dinners’ every night, and basically got everything handed to me. I never had to worry about money, or not having the nicest things because all of it was taken care of. With that being said, entitlement came, attitude, and self absorption. On top of all of that, I was a brat, and treated every one like shit. I thought I could do whatever I wanted to. There were times when I wanted to do the right thing, but that didn’t stop me from choosing the wrong. When I was 15, I lost my virginity in the back of a car. At the time I was a Freshman in High School. I had a boyfriend as well. I cheated on him over and over again with that other guy and others. I couldn’t not tell my boyfriend at the time because I felt so damn guilty. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t tell him. I wouldn’t be able to look at him ever again if I didn’t tell him. So I told him. I don’t recall telling him about the other guys that I was with much later on in our relationship but this guy that I lost my virginity to, is who he knew about. My “boyfriend” at the time, we met through school. We instantly had a connection. This is a huge part of why I got to where I was at not that long ago and why I’m at where I am today. Keep reading. Being a 15 year old girl, I didn’t know much. I was very clueless, I still can be, but when I was 15 all that mattered to me was boys, friends, and myself. My boyfriend at the time was not the best influence for me. He got kicked out of school, smoked practically everyday, drank, hung out with others’ that did basically the same thing. He was adopted, and had a very tough life. He didn’t have much support in his life. Somehow this drew me to him. I felt very sad, and very sorry for him, that I felt like it was MY JOB to save him… I would spend nights’ on end crying into my pillow because of his situation, always comforted him, and I couldn’t do much about his situation. All I could do is listen. The worst part of this broken relationship between us was the fact that my parents’, and I don’t think that his parents’ he was living with knew about our “relationship”. I was already hanging out with friends at the time who did bad things and made inappropriate actions. I would lie and lie to my parents’ of who I was with, what I was doing, and basically everything in my life was a lie. There were days when my Dad would take the time to call me while he was working, and check in with me to tell me he misses and loves me, and ask me how my day was going. All I would say is “good” with the most depressing voice. I wouldn’t or couldn’t sleep at night because I felt so guilty for everything that I was doing. I would lie to myself, lie and add onto those lies and it just kept building. If I had to pick one word to describe the way I felt, my thought process, and my overall self, lost is the word. I had everything all in my hands, simple rules, supporting and loving parents, could of put myself out there more socially, and I just fucked it all up. And for what?! My boyfriend at the time ran away at least once every few months that went by, I have ran away from home because my parents’ found out about everything, and when my boyfriend at the time would run away there were times where I would let him sleep in my house, when my family didn’t know the whole time, times where he “lived” in the swimming pool area at the park community in my neighborhood. The truth always comes out. It always has in my case. My parents probably filed at least 1 if not 2 missing person reports on me. One time they found me, and I was was grounded for a bit, then I got my phone back and literally the first thing that I did was message my “boyfriend” at the time. I felt like I didn’t deserve the best. I created a pattern for myself that everyone memorized. It was never a shock if Savanna got in trouble often. My parents’ forbid me to see or talk to my boyfriend at the time. Obviously that didn’t mean shit to me. Keep reading. In my next blog post it gets even more intense…
My name is Savanna Marie Lopez. I was born in Orange California on November 15, 1999. I don’t remember much of my child hood, but I do remember that I was a very sweet little girl who was silly, happy, and innocent. My parents divorced when I was about 5 or 6. I didn’t understand what was happening. My Mom got married to my Step Father Jeff in 2009. That same year I started “woman hood”, and got diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve always had people in my life that have loved me, supported me, and most importantly have never given up on me. Every one in my life has played a part in My Story. School was very tough for me growing up because, I got picked on for having boobs in the third grade, my social skills were not fully there, and honestly kids were jealous of me because of what I looked like, who my parents were, where I lived, and my lifestyle. I hear and see people using their “ADHD” for excuses of why they may act out, have an attitude, or just act flat out rude and disrespectful. I used to do that all of the time. Growing up, I was very insecure about every little thing. I didn’t understand what it meant to have ADHD, what was going on with my biological Dad, or the fact that I started “woman hood” at such a young age. I blamed anything or anyone that I possibly could because that was one of the many ways of avoiding my deeper issues. On top of all of that, I had major mood swings, focus issues, and I didn’t put my self out there socially. I didn’t follow the rules my parents asked of me, which were very simple rules, I was disrespectful, rude, most of the time I was in a bad mood, argued a lot, cried a lot, lied ALL OF THE TIME, I practically two faced my life between the time I was in middle school up until the end of 2016. Why? I was very lost. I felt like I was a piece of trash, did not have any self worth whatsoever, disobeyed my family, and thought I could do what ever I wanted to. My parents were more than fair with me. I CHOSE not to follow the rules, and think so low of myself. I look back on my life, and I don’t regret anything I’ve gone through because I wouldn’t be where I am today if I did not go through all of it. This is just the beginning…
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